Do you have the missing ingredients
I hope this finds you well and
enjoying work and life.
I've had a very busy couple of weeks particularly with
networking. The Grow Guildford exhibition on the 13th was a huge success and my
thanks to the brains behind the scenes Fiona Humberstone and Paul Webster
for inviting me to speak again.
The Athena Hammersmith group of which i'm chair had a very rousing May meeting
with lots of fabulous visitors.
Last week I had the priveledge of addressing some of the members of Woking Chamber of Commerce, who have
taken the initiative and are offering really meaningful support for businesses
in their area amidst the recession.
This blog is a little snippet from that talk. Hopefully there are a few
things to inspire and a few helpful reminders, whether you run your own
business or not.
My warmest wishes
Elizabeth
p.s There are still a couple of places left on my Introduction to NLP course on starting on the 3rd June so do drop me a line or give me a call if you'd like to take advantage of a place.
Do you have the missing ingredient?
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Have you ever wondered why in
times of trouble or down turn there are some people that just seem to sail
through?
They have a certain robustness and charisma that seems to attract opportunities
and business almost regardless of what's happening around them?
Perhaps it's just luck, or maybe it's because they have the missing ingredient!
Confidence.
Confidence in business is like currency. People who wear confidence are
magnetic, have charisma, inspire trust and confidence in return. Confidence
gives your message gravitas and conviction. Confidence allows you to influence.
When you have sorted out your products and services and how they can
differentiate you from the competition, it's confidence that differentiates you
where it really matters, in the room with prospects, collaborators and peers.
I sometimes ask myself "what comes first, success or confidence".
It's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario, it's true to say that success often
brings confidence but it's not a prerequisite.
I often hear in my coaching work with clients, "I'm not a confident
person" - that's a pretty hefty statement at the level of a person's
identity and that's where we can sabotage ourselves and block our success.
I've noticed that people who say "I'm not a confident person" have a
wonderful, albeit unconscious, ability to delete many of the experiences in
their life where they are confident. What we often mean when we make that
kind of statement is that we don't have confidence where we think it matters,
perhaps in public speaking, perhaps in a business meeting, perhaps when meeting
new people.
This brief article looks at both long and short term confidence, the sappers
and how to avoid them to give you a boost where it's needed.
Long term confidence sappers.
Firstly, comparison. How often have you thought to yourself, 'but I'm
not as good as them', or looked with longing envy at the accomplishments of
others in your immediate circle or those that influence you in your network?
Comparison is all very well if it drives us to achieve, to learn to motivate
ourselves, but how often is this really the case. All too often we get stuck at
the comparison stage and develop a distorted perception of the other person and
ourselves that doesn't do us justice.
It helps me to remember that each of us will be an expert to somebody and that
what we have to offer is worthwhile and makes a difference. Constantly
comparing ourselves to those people who are experts to us, does a disservice to
those people that we are here to serve.
Secondly, dwelling on knock backs either in the moment or in those times
when we come back to our desk and ourselves. We will all mess up. Without it
there is no growth, no possibility for change, life stagnates, and we can
become dull witted. If we're not making mistakes then frankly we need to get
out more! But it's how we treat our little foibles or great big glaring faux
pars that matters. Don't spend any more time on a knock back that you really
need to. Particularly in the moment that it happens and especially if it's
during an important encounter; save the wash up for later. When you do have
time for reflection ask yourself, 'what gave me that result, what will I do to
avoid it next time and what have I learnt from this', then bin it. It serves no
other value for you and is an energy wasting, confidence sapping waste of time
to dwell on it.
Thirdly. They're out to get me syndrome. How often do we go into high
pressure scenarios, whether it be a customer meeting, presentation or
networking event with the little internal gremlins and the perception that
things aren't going to go well? It's certainly something I hear commonly
from clients fearful of public speaking. Suddenly the audience develops horns
and a tail, we assume they are going to ask tricky questions, try and catch us
out, look for our weak spots. Generally I don't believe this to be the case.
Most people want us to do well, most people are warm, friendly and want to hear
what you have to say, particularly if it's a customer that has called you about
your product or service. If they have taken the time to get in touch, they want
you to be able to meet their needs. They more than likely want you to make it
easy for them. They want it to be a pleasurable and easy experience to buy from
you.
People are more forgiving that you may imagine. Thinking any different is an
instant confidence drainer.
In addition to keeping things in perspective, and having a 'no failure only
learning' attitude to knock backs, there is one other key thing I've noticed
that builds confidence In the long term.
Pay attention to what you're paying attention to. This is true of many
things in life.
Your brain, as you know, is a super charged computer, more powerful than a
google search engine. It has an amazing capacity to delete experience, to
distort reality and to make generalisations that form the basis of our beliefs.
It will search ruthlessly for exactly what you tell it to. So be aware of what
you set it to look for. Avoid deleting those positive experiences where you are
confident in the moment, instead notice each success, dwell on those. By
storing up more helpful experiences and spending less time on those that aren't
you can start to make more positive generalisations about yourself, the key to
building long term confidence.
So let's look at confidence in the short term, confidence in the moment.
Rather than looking at confidence as something we need to have at an identity
level that pervades our every waking moment, give yourself a break.
Confidence is an activity that we can tackle at the level of behaviour
and it's very easy to change the results we get at the level of behaviour. Just
changing your thinking changes the results you get.
Short term confidence sappers can be as simple as wearing the wrong
shoes...! Bear with me. Confidence in the moment is a state, a state of
mind a state of body and a presence that anyone can access given the right
ingredients. Doesn't it feel different on the inside and don't we behave
differently on the outside when we get dressed for work as opposed to when we
get scrubbed up for a fancy dinner date? Confidence is the same. You can wear
it like a favourite jacket.
To have confidence in the moment of an interaction, when we really need it
there are a few things it can be helpful to bear in mind.
Know your outcome - Know what results you want to achieve. Keep that in
the forefront of your mind. Confidence may support you well in getting your
outcome and there may be other important ingredients along the way too,
confidence is not the be all and end all.
Set your mind - Choose your attitude, make the right
generalisations. Expect success. Give yourself freedom to play and experiment
and make mistakes.
Be present - Have your focus on the outside where it should be, on your
customer or the person you are dealing with. When attention is placed there it
is very hard to hear the internal gremlins and you may find they disappear
altogether. Being present is also about being in your body, take a few moments
to stretch, stamp your feet, take a drink of water, eat something light,
whatever it takes to get you grounded and in your body. It's harder to be
present and appear confident with a rumbling stomach or when dehydrated.
Adjust your physiology - Confidence is a body thing. It's no surprise
that confident people look a certain way, stand a certain way, talk a certain
way, it's largely because confidence stems from that upright, balanced,
symmetrical and relaxed posture.
Be aware of your gestures, not too many, keep your hands below the midline for
extra gravitas. Don't move your legs unless you need to go somewhere, there's
nothing more off putting that detracts more from your message than shuffling
feet, swaying or leaning on one hip. Your brain and your body learn very
quickly with a little practice. Adopt the physiology of confidence often, in
low pressure scenarios, so it feels more natural when you do really need it.
A confident voice tone is also essential and that is controlled by your
breathing. Remember to breathe. Take a few moments before engaging with someone
to check where you're breathing from and to control your breathing rate.
Breathing from lower down in the chest or abdomen will slow down your speech,
relax your body and drop your voice tone, so you can avoid squeaking and
gabbling like a flock of geese.
Worry less about the content of what you have to say than about the way you
deliver your message. More meaning is conveyed through body language and voice
tone than words alone. Get yourself into the right relaxed state and the words
will flow - that's not an excuse not to prepare though.
Lastly FAKE it till you make it it's not about fooling yourself, it's
about learning. Experimenting, giving yourself permission to make mistakes and
paying attention to what works.
We are all on a wonderful journey and mastering confidence is not the be all
and end all, put it in its rightful place. While you're having fun trying on
confidence for size, it may open up a few more doors to you and make life more
fun on the way.
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