Elizabeth's For the Love of Life Blog

Do you have the missing ingredients

I hope this finds you well and enjoying work and life.

I've had a very busy couple of weeks particularly with networking. The Grow Guildford exhibition on the 13th was a huge success and my thanks to the brains behind the scenes Fiona Humberstone and Paul Webster for inviting me to speak again.

The Athena Hammersmith group of which i'm chair had a very rousing May meeting with lots of fabulous visitors.

Last week I had the priveledge of addressing some of the members of Woking Chamber of Commerce, who have taken the initiative and are offering really meaningful support for businesses in their area amidst the recession.

This blog is a little snippet from that talk. Hopefully there are a few things to inspire and a few helpful reminders, whether you run your own business or not.

My warmest wishes

Elizabeth

p.s There are still a couple of places left on my Introduction to NLP course on starting on the 3rd June so do drop me a line or give me a call if you'd like to take advantage of a place.

Do you have the missing ingredient?

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Have you ever wondered why in times of trouble or down turn there are some people that just seem to sail through?

They have a certain robustness and charisma that seems to attract opportunities and business almost regardless of what's happening around them?

Perhaps it's just luck, or maybe it's because they have the missing ingredient! Confidence.

Confidence in business is like currency. People who wear confidence are magnetic, have charisma, inspire trust and confidence in return. Confidence gives your message gravitas and conviction. Confidence allows you to influence.

When you have sorted out your products and services and how they can differentiate you from the competition, it's confidence that differentiates you where it really matters, in the room with prospects, collaborators and peers.

I sometimes ask myself "what comes first, success or confidence". It's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario, it's true to say that success often brings confidence but it's not a prerequisite.

I often hear in my coaching work with clients, "I'm not a confident person" - that's a pretty hefty statement at the level of a person's identity and that's where we can sabotage ourselves and block our success.
I've noticed that people who say "I'm not a confident person" have a wonderful, albeit unconscious, ability to delete many of the experiences in their life where they are confident.  What we often mean when we make that kind of statement is that we don't have confidence where we think it matters, perhaps in public speaking, perhaps in a business meeting, perhaps when meeting new people.

This brief article looks at both long and short term confidence, the sappers and how to avoid them to give you a boost where it's needed.

Long term confidence sappers.
Firstly, comparison. How often have you thought to yourself, 'but I'm not as good as them', or looked with longing envy at the accomplishments of others in your immediate circle or those that influence you in your network? Comparison is all very well if it drives us to achieve, to learn to motivate ourselves, but how often is this really the case. All too often we get stuck at the comparison stage and develop a distorted perception of the other person and ourselves that doesn't do us justice.
It helps me to remember that each of us will be an expert to somebody and that what we have to offer is worthwhile and makes a difference. Constantly comparing ourselves to those people who are experts to us, does a disservice to those people that we are here to serve.

Secondly, dwelling on knock backs either in the moment or in those times when we come back to our desk and ourselves. We will all mess up. Without it there is no growth, no possibility for change, life stagnates, and we can become dull witted. If we're not making mistakes then frankly we need to get out more! But it's how we treat our little foibles or great big glaring faux pars that matters. Don't spend any more time on a knock back that you really need to. Particularly in the moment that it happens and especially if it's during an important encounter; save the wash up for later. When you do have time for reflection ask yourself, 'what gave me that result, what will I do to avoid it next time and what have I learnt from this', then bin it. It serves no other value for you and is an energy wasting, confidence sapping waste of time to dwell on it.

Thirdly. They're out to get me syndrome. How often do we go into high pressure scenarios, whether it be a customer meeting, presentation or networking event with the little internal gremlins and the perception that things aren't going to go well?  It's certainly something I hear commonly from clients fearful of public speaking. Suddenly the audience develops horns and a tail, we assume they are going to ask tricky questions, try and catch us out, look for our weak spots. Generally I don't believe this to be the case. Most people want us to do well, most people are warm, friendly and want to hear what you have to say, particularly if it's a customer that has called you about your product or service. If they have taken the time to get in touch, they want you to be able to meet their needs. They more than likely want you to make it easy for them. They want it to be a pleasurable and easy experience to buy from you.

People are more forgiving that you may imagine. Thinking any different is an instant confidence drainer.

In addition to keeping things in perspective, and having a 'no failure only learning' attitude to knock backs, there is one other key thing I've noticed that builds confidence In the long term.

Pay attention to what you're paying attention to. This is true of many things in life.
Your brain, as you know, is a super charged computer, more powerful than a google search engine. It has an amazing capacity to delete experience, to distort reality and to make generalisations that form the basis of our beliefs. It will search ruthlessly for exactly what you tell it to. So be aware of what you set it to look for. Avoid deleting those positive experiences where you are confident in the moment, instead notice each success, dwell on those. By storing up more helpful experiences and spending less time on those that aren't you can start to make more positive generalisations about yourself, the key to building long term confidence.

So let's look at confidence in the short term, confidence in the moment.
Rather than looking at confidence as something we need to have at an identity level that pervades our every waking moment, give yourself a break.

Confidence is an activity that we can tackle at the level of behaviour and it's very easy to change the results we get at the level of behaviour. Just changing your thinking changes the results you get.
 
Short term confidence sappers can be as simple as wearing the wrong shoes...! Bear with me. Confidence in the moment is a state, a state of mind a state of body and a presence that anyone can access given the right ingredients. Doesn't it feel different on the inside and don't we behave differently on the outside when we get dressed for work as opposed to when we get scrubbed up for a fancy dinner date? Confidence is the same. You can wear it like a favourite jacket.

To have confidence in the moment of an interaction, when we really need it there are a few things it can be helpful to bear in mind.

Know your outcome - Know what results you want to achieve. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. Confidence may support you well in getting your outcome and there may be other important ingredients along the way too, confidence is not the be all and end all.

Set your mind  - Choose your attitude, make the right generalisations. Expect success. Give yourself freedom to play and experiment and make mistakes.
Be present - Have your focus on the outside where it should be, on your customer or the person you are dealing with. When attention is placed there it is very hard to hear the internal gremlins and you may find they disappear altogether. Being present is also about being in your body, take a few moments to stretch, stamp your feet, take a drink of water, eat something light, whatever it takes to get you grounded and in your body. It's harder to be present and appear confident with a rumbling stomach or when dehydrated.

Adjust your physiology - Confidence is a body thing. It's no surprise that confident people look a certain way, stand a certain way, talk a certain way, it's largely because confidence stems from that upright, balanced, symmetrical and relaxed posture.
Be aware of your gestures, not too many, keep your hands below the midline for extra gravitas. Don't move your legs unless you need to go somewhere, there's nothing more off putting that detracts more from your message than shuffling feet, swaying or leaning on one hip. Your brain and your body learn very quickly with a little practice. Adopt the physiology of confidence often, in low pressure scenarios, so it feels more natural when you do really need it.

A confident voice tone is also essential and that is controlled by your breathing. Remember to breathe. Take a few moments before engaging with someone to check where you're breathing from and to control your breathing rate. Breathing from lower down in the chest or abdomen will slow down your speech, relax your body and drop your voice tone, so you can avoid squeaking and gabbling like a flock of geese.
Worry less about the content of what you have to say than about the way you deliver your message. More meaning is conveyed through body language and voice tone than words alone. Get yourself into the right relaxed state and the words will flow - that's not an excuse not to prepare though.

Lastly FAKE it till you make it it's not about fooling yourself, it's about learning. Experimenting, giving yourself permission to make mistakes and paying attention to what works.

We are all on a wonderful journey and mastering confidence is not the be all and end all, put it in its rightful place. While you're having fun trying on confidence for size, it may open up a few more doors to you and make life more fun on the way.

Make no apology

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How many times have you met someone new, perhaps as a networking event or when out with friends, and the time comes to exchange cards or even promotional material and you find yourself apologising for your business card even before you've handed it over? Or you ask someone about their work or an area of their life and the underlying subtext seems to be one of embarrassment or apology?

How does it feel to be on the receiving end?

It's a tendency I've noticed in myself in the past, particularly if my new business cards have been at the printers or I had some grand scheme for marketing material and had to settle for something that I felt didn't quite hit the mark.

 

The impression it gives doesn't do any of us any favours, and I know you can appreciate the impact it has on our self esteem if we find we get trapped in a constant mantra of excuses and apology in our own self-talk.

 

We are all striving in our own ways. We all have expectations of ourselves and might feel that perhaps we don't always measure up. There is no benefit to you of wearing your self-doubt and your (perceived) shortcomings on the outside. Let yourself off the hook, release the pressure.

 

Honour yourself, recognise your current value, in this present moment. You may not have fulfilled your greatest aspirations - yet, but who you are now is worthy of recognition and respect.

 

You owe it to yourself and the person who has taken the time to connect with you to put out your best light. After all, you attracted them, there is something within you, right now, of value.

 

If you ever need reminding, just think of a few of your dearest and most treasured friends. Are they, in your view, good people who have something to offer the world? Like attracts like, they are around you for a reason. Could it perhaps be because you too are a high calibre person with a very unique and powerful gift?

 

All that said, in business it can be tricky to project a certain image if you are genuinely concerned that your services or products or website or collateral don't stack up. So perhaps it may help, if you find yourself in this place as I too often do, to change your criteria for that internal benchmarking. Remind yourself of your personal qualities that make you good at what you do.

 

You also have the choice to take practical action to address those things that you're currently a little embarrassed about. This is true not only in business but it extends to our personal lives as well.

 

For example so many people I meet experience my shared perpetual battle to keep my home presentable and are constantly in "excuse the mess" mode. Well, we have a choice, get a cleaner, make it a higher priority to do the housework or let it go!

 

Another common favourite of mine occurs when having over friends for dinner. 

As I'm serving up the roast, before I've even got the plates on the table the words are already out of my mouth about how underdone the spuds are or how the broccoli has gone a bit soggy. Not the best presentation of a meal I've just spent 2 hours slaving over! Imagine if your friendly local restaurant waiter prefaced every course with a list of the chef’s shortcomings and excuses about the state of the kitchen!

 

How lovely would it be if you could revel in your creative work? How honoured would your friends feel if instead, their meal was presented with a smile and the words "I did the spuds just how you like them darling!"

 

If you find yourself being other than wholly positive and affirmative about who you are and what you have to offer, please accept this as a humble reminder.

 

Make no apology - you are worth more than that.

With love and respect

Elizabeth

Tackling your procrastination gremlins

If there’s one thing I know for sure from my work and my own personal challenges, it is that the closer we get to realising what our hearts calling is; the closer we get to realising what it is that could liberate us from playing small; the closer we get to really making a significant difference to others in the world and contributing to something that is more worthy of us than our current daily grind...the higher the level of resistance we experience and the bigger the fear!

I’ve known this to be true for some time. I experience it often in my coaching work. In fact it’s one of the hall-markers I actively look for when working with people to help them clarify and move towards their vision, that tells me they’re on the right track.

This resistance and fear can be paralysing or worse it can trick us into thinking that our desires aren’t really our true desires, otherwise there would be an absence of doubt wouldn’t there? The little (or not so little) internal voice that tells us “we’re not good enough, we’re doomed to failure, it’s not up to me, there are more important priorities like paying the bills, tending to our families” etc etc.

The voice of fear or resistance does everything it can to maintain the status quo, to keep us in the comfortable space that feels safe, even if it’s sucking the life blood out of us.

I recognise the devil that is procrastination only too well. It has become a fond friend to me over the years. Morphing from an alien intruder that kept me from productivity, that tortured me with guilt and lowered self-worth, to a well known companion that was a source of mild irritation to a firm friend that is an active signpost pointing clearing at my souls’ purpose and hearts’ desire.

I can now observe with a wry smile its many faces. One particularly amused me this week. When sitting down to write this very newsletter I felt an overwhelming “calling” to clean all our tea spoons! Oh yes procrastination is a wily adversary. Who would think that a seemingly innocuous task such as this could really be getting in the way of unleashing my true potential?!

I have learnt to recognise over time the true nature of these “callings”. They are the dreaded procrastination in full effect. If I’m not ever vigilant one such task can lead to a thousand others and before I know it the flat is spotless (down to the skirting boards), the ironing is done, the car is cleaned, my wardrobes are cleared out and even the sock drawer is tidy!

How can you fall for this I hear you ask? Well one explanation is fairly simple; these tasks can always be justified. There is always a higher than godly reason why the house should be spotless – what would our guests think if I let it all go to pot just because I was finishing my book?!

Succumbing to the poison chalice of procrastination is inevitable. Particularly if you have a temperament like mine, somewhat like a petulant child that if told they can’t have another biscuit will steal away and snuffle the whole packet.

So how do we move beyond this and empower ourselves to forge ahead in the direction of our dreams, doing what needs to be done to achieve them?

 

1^st Don’t kid yourself that it will be easy. An ever watchful eye is needed to spot the first signs of procrastination when they arise and disguise themselves as productivity. Some of my favourites:

Continually updating my facebook status (to remind people just how productive I am :o)), cleaning out drawers/filing cabinets, “tweaking” the website, planning, planning, planning – not doing! And oh yes – polishing the cutlery!

2^nd Recognise that it’s always there and we must do what we need to do regardless. Don’t wait, take action, any action and, over the process of your day, that huge insurmountable monolith of a rolling stone will pick up momentum.

3^rd Don’t kid yourself that your efforts will get you instant gratification. Those things that we procrastinate on are likely to be long haul projects that require consistent attention and dedication. We have to learn to see our work in the context of the big picture.

My hubby Mike for example, consistently does an hours’ daily piano practice even when he comes home from work on his knees, because he knows the rewards of consistent effort in the long term. However until I master the art of such Zen-like dedication then chocolate is a good substitute and provides me with a little short term reward that serves a purpose, and I forgive myself for that.

4^th Enlist real help.  Don’t allow your loved ones to feed the procrastination monster, even though they mean well. If you need to, find someone who can see through your very reasonable sounding rationalisations and get you to cut the crap and get on with it. Coaching can often be really helpful in this respect. As long as it doesn’t become another means of procrastination under the guise of “working on getting over my procrastination”. Short term interventions that lead to immediate, focused action in a clear direction that is aligned with your true purpose and potential are what’s needed.

Now I fear this blog is actually becoming procrastination for another piece of work so i’ll sign off for now and wish you a vigilant and visionary week.

 

 

Amovita Netwalking Schedule for 2009

Delightfully different networking!
For you to be successful in business you need to be visible, credible and well connected. Amovita netwalking is a revitalised approach to growing your business and your network.

It is the ideal framework to raise your profile, develop your messages and build great rapport in addition to receiving action-focussed, empowering coaching.

Connect with like minds on a 1 hour facilitated stroll with me in the beauty of nature.
This is a way of spending time on your business that is healthy, inspirational and excellent value.

With my support as facilitator and coach, effective networking really can be a walk in the park!

Get in touch with me today to book your place and give networking and your vitality the priority it deserves in your business.

My warmest regards

Elizabeth Cairns

We meet at the Dysart Arms Car park, Petersham and leave promptly at 10am for a walk in the park that lasts approximately 1 hour.
NetWalkers are invited to stay on for more informal netwalking over a drink in the pub afterwards.
Please bring your business cards, leaflets or flyers and wear whatever is comfortable for you to walk in.
We network whatever the weather and stay ahead of the rest.

Friday 23rd January – 10am, Dysart Arms, Petersham to walk in Richmond Park
Where are you going and what makes you…and your business tick?

Are you passionate about your business?
Can you confidently and congruently say "I love my work?"
Does that come across to your clients and your network?

If the answer is yes, great, come along and share your experiences and be passionate about your business.
If the answer is no, then come and explore possibilities in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere.

What are your personal values and how well are they reflected in your professional brand?
Is work the fun it’s meant to be, or is it a hard slog and how can you inject some passion?

Each session has a slightly different focus enabling you to stretch yourself, your business and your network.
In this session as well as taking time to get to know other NetWalkers we will be exploring the answers to these questions and discovering more about what makes you and your business tick.  A great start to networking in 2009.

Friday 20th February – 10am, Dysart Arms, Petersham to walk in Richmond Park
Networking strategy – What’s yours and how can your network help?

An opportunity to work on an often neglected part of marketing, your networking strategy, elicit the help and feedback of fellow netwalkers to establish priorities and hone a plan to take you through the next few months.

Friday 27th March  – 10am, Dysart Arms, Petersham to walk in Richmond Park
Getting your mindset for success

Friday 24th April – 10am, Dysart Arms, Petersham to walk in Richmond Park
Exploring and developing the WIIFT factor for your business – essential for effective marketing

Friday 29th May  – 10am, Dysart Arms, Petersham to walk in Richmond Park
If you’re telling you’re not selling – are you really listening to your clients and network?

"Let us be ourselves" a call to action by Edward Bach

My offering from today is in fact a writing from Dr Edward Bach (1886-1936) a pioneer in medical research and the man who discovered flower remedies and who continues to be an inspiration. It is taken from the book "The collected writings of Edward Bach" a delightful, insightful and inspiring read.

 

Whatever your religious or spiritual persuasion I'm sure you'll agree they are wise and inspiring words for us all.

 

 

"Let us be ourselves" a call to action by Edward Bach written 1st January 1935

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"Has it ever occured to you that God gave you an individuality? Yet he certainly did. He gave you a personality of your very own, a treasure to be kept to your very own self. He gave you a life to lead, which you and only you should lead: He gave you work to do, which you and only you can do: He placed you in this world, a Divine being, a child of Himself, to learn how to become perfect, to gain all knowledge possible, to grow gentle and kind, and to be a help to others.

 

And has it ever occurred to you how God speaks to you, and tells you of your own individuality, and of your very own work, of how to steer your ship true to its own course? He speaks to you through your own real desires which are the instincts of your Soul. How else could He speak?

 

If we but listen to and obey our own desires, uninfluenced by any other personality, we shall always be led aright; we shall always be guided, not only along the path which will lead us to our own advancement and perfection, but also to make our lives the uttermost useful and helpful to others.

 

It is being influenced by the desires of others that takes us from our own work and wastes our time. Christ would never have fulfilled His mission had He listened to the persuasion of His parents,, and we should have lost an army of world-helpers such as florence Nightingale and a host of others, had they yeilded to the wishes of others and not remained true to their own heart's desires.

 

What better resolution in the coming of the New Year can we make than to listen to our own desires which are messengers from our Souls, and to have the courage to obey them?"

 

Bach, E (1935) cited in Collected Writings of Edward Bach, Edited by Julian Barnard pg 21.