Do you have the missing ingredients

I hope this finds you well and enjoying work and life.

I've had a very busy couple of weeks particularly with networking. The Grow Guildford exhibition on the 13th was a huge success and my thanks to the brains behind the scenes Fiona Humberstone and Paul Webster for inviting me to speak again.

The Athena Hammersmith group of which i'm chair had a very rousing May meeting with lots of fabulous visitors.

Last week I had the priveledge of addressing some of the members of Woking Chamber of Commerce, who have taken the initiative and are offering really meaningful support for businesses in their area amidst the recession.

This blog is a little snippet from that talk. Hopefully there are a few things to inspire and a few helpful reminders, whether you run your own business or not.

My warmest wishes

Elizabeth

p.s There are still a couple of places left on my Introduction to NLP course on starting on the 3rd June so do drop me a line or give me a call if you'd like to take advantage of a place.

Do you have the missing ingredient?

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Have you ever wondered why in times of trouble or down turn there are some people that just seem to sail through?

They have a certain robustness and charisma that seems to attract opportunities and business almost regardless of what's happening around them?

Perhaps it's just luck, or maybe it's because they have the missing ingredient! Confidence.

Confidence in business is like currency. People who wear confidence are magnetic, have charisma, inspire trust and confidence in return. Confidence gives your message gravitas and conviction. Confidence allows you to influence.

When you have sorted out your products and services and how they can differentiate you from the competition, it's confidence that differentiates you where it really matters, in the room with prospects, collaborators and peers.

I sometimes ask myself "what comes first, success or confidence". It's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario, it's true to say that success often brings confidence but it's not a prerequisite.

I often hear in my coaching work with clients, "I'm not a confident person" - that's a pretty hefty statement at the level of a person's identity and that's where we can sabotage ourselves and block our success.
I've noticed that people who say "I'm not a confident person" have a wonderful, albeit unconscious, ability to delete many of the experiences in their life where they are confident.  What we often mean when we make that kind of statement is that we don't have confidence where we think it matters, perhaps in public speaking, perhaps in a business meeting, perhaps when meeting new people.

This brief article looks at both long and short term confidence, the sappers and how to avoid them to give you a boost where it's needed.

Long term confidence sappers.
Firstly, comparison. How often have you thought to yourself, 'but I'm not as good as them', or looked with longing envy at the accomplishments of others in your immediate circle or those that influence you in your network? Comparison is all very well if it drives us to achieve, to learn to motivate ourselves, but how often is this really the case. All too often we get stuck at the comparison stage and develop a distorted perception of the other person and ourselves that doesn't do us justice.
It helps me to remember that each of us will be an expert to somebody and that what we have to offer is worthwhile and makes a difference. Constantly comparing ourselves to those people who are experts to us, does a disservice to those people that we are here to serve.

Secondly, dwelling on knock backs either in the moment or in those times when we come back to our desk and ourselves. We will all mess up. Without it there is no growth, no possibility for change, life stagnates, and we can become dull witted. If we're not making mistakes then frankly we need to get out more! But it's how we treat our little foibles or great big glaring faux pars that matters. Don't spend any more time on a knock back that you really need to. Particularly in the moment that it happens and especially if it's during an important encounter; save the wash up for later. When you do have time for reflection ask yourself, 'what gave me that result, what will I do to avoid it next time and what have I learnt from this', then bin it. It serves no other value for you and is an energy wasting, confidence sapping waste of time to dwell on it.

Thirdly. They're out to get me syndrome. How often do we go into high pressure scenarios, whether it be a customer meeting, presentation or networking event with the little internal gremlins and the perception that things aren't going to go well?  It's certainly something I hear commonly from clients fearful of public speaking. Suddenly the audience develops horns and a tail, we assume they are going to ask tricky questions, try and catch us out, look for our weak spots. Generally I don't believe this to be the case. Most people want us to do well, most people are warm, friendly and want to hear what you have to say, particularly if it's a customer that has called you about your product or service. If they have taken the time to get in touch, they want you to be able to meet their needs. They more than likely want you to make it easy for them. They want it to be a pleasurable and easy experience to buy from you.

People are more forgiving that you may imagine. Thinking any different is an instant confidence drainer.

In addition to keeping things in perspective, and having a 'no failure only learning' attitude to knock backs, there is one other key thing I've noticed that builds confidence In the long term.

Pay attention to what you're paying attention to. This is true of many things in life.
Your brain, as you know, is a super charged computer, more powerful than a google search engine. It has an amazing capacity to delete experience, to distort reality and to make generalisations that form the basis of our beliefs. It will search ruthlessly for exactly what you tell it to. So be aware of what you set it to look for. Avoid deleting those positive experiences where you are confident in the moment, instead notice each success, dwell on those. By storing up more helpful experiences and spending less time on those that aren't you can start to make more positive generalisations about yourself, the key to building long term confidence.

So let's look at confidence in the short term, confidence in the moment.
Rather than looking at confidence as something we need to have at an identity level that pervades our every waking moment, give yourself a break.

Confidence is an activity that we can tackle at the level of behaviour and it's very easy to change the results we get at the level of behaviour. Just changing your thinking changes the results you get.
 
Short term confidence sappers can be as simple as wearing the wrong shoes...! Bear with me. Confidence in the moment is a state, a state of mind a state of body and a presence that anyone can access given the right ingredients. Doesn't it feel different on the inside and don't we behave differently on the outside when we get dressed for work as opposed to when we get scrubbed up for a fancy dinner date? Confidence is the same. You can wear it like a favourite jacket.

To have confidence in the moment of an interaction, when we really need it there are a few things it can be helpful to bear in mind.

Know your outcome - Know what results you want to achieve. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. Confidence may support you well in getting your outcome and there may be other important ingredients along the way too, confidence is not the be all and end all.

Set your mind  - Choose your attitude, make the right generalisations. Expect success. Give yourself freedom to play and experiment and make mistakes.
Be present - Have your focus on the outside where it should be, on your customer or the person you are dealing with. When attention is placed there it is very hard to hear the internal gremlins and you may find they disappear altogether. Being present is also about being in your body, take a few moments to stretch, stamp your feet, take a drink of water, eat something light, whatever it takes to get you grounded and in your body. It's harder to be present and appear confident with a rumbling stomach or when dehydrated.

Adjust your physiology - Confidence is a body thing. It's no surprise that confident people look a certain way, stand a certain way, talk a certain way, it's largely because confidence stems from that upright, balanced, symmetrical and relaxed posture.
Be aware of your gestures, not too many, keep your hands below the midline for extra gravitas. Don't move your legs unless you need to go somewhere, there's nothing more off putting that detracts more from your message than shuffling feet, swaying or leaning on one hip. Your brain and your body learn very quickly with a little practice. Adopt the physiology of confidence often, in low pressure scenarios, so it feels more natural when you do really need it.

A confident voice tone is also essential and that is controlled by your breathing. Remember to breathe. Take a few moments before engaging with someone to check where you're breathing from and to control your breathing rate. Breathing from lower down in the chest or abdomen will slow down your speech, relax your body and drop your voice tone, so you can avoid squeaking and gabbling like a flock of geese.
Worry less about the content of what you have to say than about the way you deliver your message. More meaning is conveyed through body language and voice tone than words alone. Get yourself into the right relaxed state and the words will flow - that's not an excuse not to prepare though.

Lastly FAKE it till you make it it's not about fooling yourself, it's about learning. Experimenting, giving yourself permission to make mistakes and paying attention to what works.

We are all on a wonderful journey and mastering confidence is not the be all and end all, put it in its rightful place. While you're having fun trying on confidence for size, it may open up a few more doors to you and make life more fun on the way.